Home - Stepto.com

8/26/2010

Have a good reason when turning down your first actual offer of payment for your writing from a Hugo award winning author.

There’s a moment that every writer hits eventually if they wish to persist in doing it for the rest of their lives. Like rolling a 20 for the first time or bowling a strike, on a long enough timeline if you stick with the enjoyment of what you are doing, and ignore actually trying to to achieve it, it will occur.

I have a number of different irons in the fire on this front, but I’ve officially been offered payment for something I wrote for the first time. Not just been offered payment, but offered payment by John Scalzi, Hugo award winning sci fi author. I’ve come to the very edge of being offered payment, something I will write about soon, but not crossed the actual finish line of “I need to know where to send the check”.

I’m more than a bit flipped out and humbled to have been chosen as a “special guest star” entry for the result of this. I submitted my entry outside the contest as a lark. I specifically noted that I did not want to be included in the actual contest to win the prize (meaning the entry would be featured and paid 10 cents a word in an online charity chapbook.) The winners were recently announced and I congratulate them as I cannot wait to read their stories.

Imagine my surprise however when John Scalzi contacted me yesterday to note that my entry would be featured in the chapbook as a special guest star entry and that they wished to pay me the contest winners rate for the work, could I please provide them with PayPal or physical address information for the payment.

I’d just woken up, reading email on my iPhone while Remington took my stirring as a sign that it was time to do his puppy thing of being incredibly fucking cheerful in the morning just because it was morning. I lay there for a second fending off his attempts to wriggle all over me and processed. Then I put the phone down and tickled him. I sat up and grinned. There was no way I was going to accept the payment, the entire point of the contest was for charity. I would gladly forego the payment.

But someone…wait that’s not even close to describing it… an author I respected and admired, had wanted to pay me for my work. I squeed.

I tapped out a quick response declining payment but saying I was honored to be included in the chapbook. John (I feel weird calling him John Scalzi now, but part of me wants to call him Mr. Scalzi) mailed back to say that was great and details on the book would be forthcoming. As soon as I have them I will post them here to promote it.

Achievement.

Unlocked.

Posted at 10:12 PM by stepto@stepto.com | Category: SQUEEEEE | Permalink | Comments

8/17/2010

A Picture is worth about 70 words. And a helicopter

Presented without comment, except I think I just proved I would be a funny rules lawyer:

Posted at 8:36 PM by stepto@stepto.com | Category: misc | Permalink | Comments

8/15/2010

Sydney, Where the Bare Ass Spankings Lie

In December of 1998 I was given a choice to go to Tokyo, Japan to deliver a three week training course on the upcoming version of Internet Explorer, or Sydney, Australia to perform the same task. I chose Sydney, and my life has been the stranger for it.

At the time I was living in Dallas. This meant a flight over to Los Angeles followed by a 14 hour flight to Sydney. Back in those days most groups within Microsoft had a pretty reasonable policy for justifying flying business class. If the flight was over six hours long and you were expected to work within 24 hours of landing, you could book business class. At this point in my life I had made two overseas flights to Europe, both coach. All my domestic travel had been coach as well. Thus was I introduced to business class, or as I called it afterwards: 14-hour long blowjob class.

I exaggerate, but only slightly. The change from coach was immediate. Aboard a very nice Boeing 747, I was ushered to the top deck, shown my enormous seat, and handed some champagne. The seat converted to an almost flat space to sleep on and there was a good three feet of space all around me. The seat had a screen that displayed the current position along with a real time map. You could also watch TV or movies on it. There was power for my laptop, and the food was real food served on real plates with real silverware. There was even a wine list! A clown came out to cheer me up any time I felt down! The stewardesses were all Angelina Jolie! I saw God! He made me some pancakes!

Well, I may or may not have taken advantage of the all you can drink cocktail list with its fine selections of Cognac.

Most of a day later I landed in Sydney. The approach from the coast was spectacular and I couldn’t wait to see the city. Being early December in the southern hemisphere, the weather was warm and balmy. I was bemused to see many a Santa Claus in shorts from the cab window as I made my way from Sydney proper out to North Ryde where the Microsoft office was located.

For the next couple of weeks I taught some of the most professional and customer centric Microsoft employees I had yet encountered. In almost all cases they spent serious time in class participation, provided product and training feedback, and were incredibly focused on providing the best experience for the product that they possibly could. I spent my days teaching polite and focused students. I spent my nights eating spectacular seafood and hitting the local bars in the area for the one-time novelty in my life of having hot girls actually fawning over my American accent as much as I was stricken by theirs.

Great story right?

The title promised bare ass spankings and we don’t have too much more to go to deliver.

During my time in paradise I became fairly close to the students, as I mentioned they were among some of the most professional and passionate employees I had had the pleasure of working with. At some point during my time there I got invited to the groups Christmas party. Apparently their local Halloween party had been canceled for whatever reason and they had chosen to do up their Christmas party as a costume party. I lacked a costume, but was assured that didn’t really matter as there would be masks aplenty at the event. Up until this point I had spent a lot of time in Sydney meeting various Internet people unrelated to work that I knew from being on several different message boards. So each night had been a different low key affair involving dinner and drinks with couples or the stray person my age meeting up for beer. I had not been partying at all with the students. Perhaps it was some foreboding sense that as the teacher of the class that I should not fraternize too closely to the students until the class was over. More likely, nay certainly, it was prescience of situations where I would be exposed to the largest field of marijuana I had ever seen personally and one of my male student’s perfectly shaved genitals.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

The night of the party opened with three of my handlers picking up at my hotel. These weren’t students, but employees assigned to make sure I got from point A to point B for the class. The idea was drinks and relaxing back at their place near the party. The party, it was described to me, was slightly unofficial given the anything goes nature of the costumes. Are you noting the words in italics?

We arrived at their shared house. I hopped out of the car still a little bemused by the driver’s side back seat being on the right and took in the place. It was nice, a large but older single story home in a spot near the industrial area of the city, where apparently the party was going to be. My lead handler stepped out of the car and led us to the side gate which he unlocked and let us through. We meandered down a small side path for a few feet before we hit the back yard and a small deck leading to the rear entrance of the house. I was preoccupied with merely following the path before we hit the deck and one of the handlers said, “What a view.”

I looked up and out and paused, pretty sure at what I was seeing but too much of a neophyte to truly process it. Imagine a camera in a movie, maybe it’s Hoosiers or Field of Dreams or Children of the Corn. The view pans up from the ground then slowly raises to reveal an epic farm crop that extends to the horizon. Except it was pot plants. Sticky bud as far as the eye could see. I wasn’t shocked so much as I was awed.

“Party starts in 2 hours. Let’s chill,” one of the handlers said.

They went inside while I stood for a second longer on the deck, figuring one napalm strike on this place and the contact high would easily reach Canberra. Not wanting to appear freaked I went inside and gratefully accepted a cold beer then freaked as the single largest bong I have ever seen was produced. As if suddenly realizing there was a foreigner in the room a handler, a stunning redhead girl, decided to check in.

“Oh hey are you cool?” she said, gesturing to GargantaBong, the Bong that all other bongs pray too.

“Oh yeah.” I said, then tried to deploy some slang, “Not my thing, but I’m 4:20 friendly”

They stared at me blankly, and at the culture cross collision of the situation I finally busted out laughing genially.

“I’m cool,” I said laughing again, “I’ll stick with beer”

The next hour was spent watching them conduct a bong based forest clearing experiment with a bag from the back yard while I drank all their beer. Seemed like a good trade, because by the time the hour was over we were all laughing so hard we nearly forgot there was a party with a fancy dinner to go to. We piled into the car, the driver baked beyond the dreams of avarice. The party location was a rented out warehouse in a Sydney industrial district, a warehouse known for being set aside for lavish parties. We arrived on time, all of us hungry with some hungrier than the hungriest of hungry munchies hungry people who are also hungry and want food.

“Fuck I’m starving,” the redhead opined as she got out of the car.

“You get between me and the food, and you’re breaky for the rest of us tomorrow,” the driver said, swaying ever so slightly.

Everyone except me broke into peals of laughter and stumbled on in. I watched and prepared to settle into yet another in a long string in my career of company parties that featured nice dinners, forced fun, and a boring speech or two. That was when I noticed the costumes.

“You need a mask,” the girl said at the door as my jaw hung loosely on its hinges.

“You shot who in the what now?” I said.

Culture collision again.

My accent gave me away as a non-Oz-ican and she took that look I had become so used to for a couple of weeks: “Could you say that again?” I was expecting her to say.

“A mask,” she said, “it’s a costume party, you need a mask.”

The night was blazing hot and I looked up to see how halogen orange the sky was with the bit of smog in the city against the lights. I was pretty sure I had just seen several of my students enter the party in full bondage gear. Contact high, I thought, you just watched three people in a small living room smoke the Yellowstone Natural Park through the Death Star of all bongs while you pounded back a six pack of beer.

“A mask you say. Sounds perfect,” I offered after a focusing breath and the realization that it was all relaxing downhill from here. I was just weirded out, that’s all. Surely this was going to be the standard Microsoft thing.

In retrospect, the inside of that party was like Stanley Kubrick’s Eyes Wide Shut except with less clothes and less sex. Within seconds one of my best students approached me with his girlfriend. He was wearing a kilt, and nothing else. She was in all vinyl and carrying a whip. I reached for the nearest tray of booze as he casually chatted me up about how I was enjoying Australia. Seconds later I swear to the flying spaghetti monster the multi pierced airplane porn reading chick from my trip to Bismarck walked up in all her tattooed splendor.

“Oh my god,” She said, “I love your kilt!” This was directed at my student who of course was appropriately accepting of the compliment. “You’re not wearing anything under, right?” she said.

No. No. No, I thought.

“Of course not,” he said, lifting his kilt to reveal a generous dollop of perfectly shorn genitalia.”

“Neither am I!” replied the girl, lifting up her skirt to reveal her everything to everyone.

I’m pretty sure they high fived in that moment but the memory burned into my skull is of the site director walking by with a paddle and seeing my student’s girlfriends whip. While I was still processing the shaven Adam and Eve bits of the past 120 seconds, the high level individual involved in our core business of Australia took the whip and proceeded, with glee, to bare ass spank my male kilted student.

Everyone had a grand time.

I spent the rest of the evening holding my badge in the air waiting for someone from Microsoft Human Resources to collect it and let me know they were terribly sorry but I had to be let go due to this party.

I woke up the next morning in my hotel room. My throat was a bit raw from some ill advised cigarette smoking at the end (hey, I thought I was dead anyway.) There were enough photos to prove I wasn’t crazy, but we all agreed what happens on the other side of the Earth has to have mathematical proof.

Dear the Microsoft Australia Office: I’ve not been invited back. What do I gotta do?

Posted at 9:21 PM by stepto@stepto.com | Category: Microsoft | Permalink | Comments

7/13/2010

A Moment… July 2010---July 1984

July.

July.

It was crisp today, cool and clear. High of 70, and puffy clouds here and there. I still cant get used to it, although I love it deeply. I’d finished up some work on what we at Microsoft call a “Vision Document” which is often a critical component of driving new features and change in our products and often requires a lot of work and research.

At the same time, in some other place, it’s 100 degrees in Dallas, Texas and 12 year old me is on my bike. I was proud of my bicycle, a two handbrake model with a reverse chain mechanism. Hardy and well built, I had a water bottle attachment and special racing pads on the cross bar to help prevent testicular impalement upon hitting too sharp an incline. Toiling against both humidity and heat, I headed past the local Mister-T convenience store to break all the rules my mother had laid down regarding my roaming territory so I can reach the 7-11 across LBJ Highway 635 at Abrams road.

Both of me in this story suddenly need, need, a slurpee.

In the present tense, I had missed 7.11.2010, free slurpee day. In July of the year of our Reagan/Apple/Orwell 1984, I just loved slurpees and was willing to break the rules to ride way beyond my mother’s rules for my addiction.

In both cases I have a dollar in my pocket.

I pumped my car full of gas, present day. I smelled the same fumes and exhaust my 12 year old self smelled on that long overpass over the highway. Under a bright sky that might as well have been a Texas one, sans the heat, I put the pump back in the lock. Just a walk away was the slurpee machine.

You parked your bike ahead of the door back then. There weren’t lock slots. Bike’s didn’t easily give up their wheels to take them inside. Every time you ran into any convenience store you ran the risk of losing your ride. In that world, your bike was like your horse in the old west. It was your companion through thick and thin. Quad plastic spokes on cheap rubber tires. A metal frame adorned by cheap foam circular padding.

In one world you ordered the slurpee, in another you make it yourself. In both cases I hand over a dollar for a coca-cola flavored slurpee.

In 1984 I sip it slowly outside the 7-11 while I watch my bike and risk brain freeze. In 2010 I remember that moment and take a short draw through the straw while I hope the wormhole opens. It does, in a way I didn’t expect. It opens like coke silk, the freeze smoothing out the carbonation along the tongue to a clean finish. It’s a taste time trip, and I even close my eyes and think about how later the spoon shaped tip of the straw will mean I can’t finish the drink with it, because of how it will melt such that the suction wont work anymore.

It’s 2010 and I’m 37 and my car is in sight and I am holding a slurpee, a drink I have not intentionally bought in probably 20 years. It’s 1984 and my bike is next to me and I have only a few more minutes to drink my slurpee before I can race back such that my mother didn’t know I was outside her clearly defined roaming zone.

It’s cool. It’s hot. It’s now, it’s then.

I get in the car and sit for a moment, then turn the ignition. A comfortable hum settles around me, my iPhone starts playing the music I had been listening too before filling up.

But with the sugary cold taste in my mouth now, I feel two young hands wrap around plastic knobbed grips and slightly metallic hand brakes and the Texas sun blazes and all at once in both worlds, everything’s all right.

Posted at 11:50 PM by stepto@stepto.com | Category: Nostalgia | Permalink | Comments

6/15/2010

It is accomplished…(e3 2010 Part 1)

I’ve been here at e3 2010 for 72 hours and it feels like 2. From the amazing Cirque Du Soleil experience of Kinect to the rush of the keynote yesterday morning to the celebrations of last night, I now have to pause to reflect.

But before I reflect I must rave. Bear with me a second.

To get down here to e3 I flew Virgin America for the very first time.

BEST.

AIRLINE.

IN HISTORY.

I have not had that good a domestic flight experience since I was a child and they used to take care of every little thing you needed and let you go into the cockpit during the flight. Everyone’s told me how good Virgin was but honestly their starry eyed enthusiasm looked more than a little cultish to me so I never went out of my way to fly them. This time the cheapest flight to LA was Virgin America so I thought sure why not?

I arrived at the ticket booth to check my bag. Not only was the ticket guy friendly, he was an Xbox fan. We chatted about e3 and how many Xbox people he was getting to meet that day while he walked me through not just my baggage claim check but also what was available on the flight, the precise directions to my gate, and the quickest security line. I walked away feeling chipper and had to stop and wonder when the last time I actually enjoyed a conversation with a ticket agent was.

I got to the gate and the people behind the gate desk piped up and asked me if I was flying Virgin America today and I said I was. The girl said they would begin boarding about 5 minutes past the time printed on the ticket so don’t worry if they don’t call it out because the flight will leave on time.

I stood there once again startled by the fact no other airline in history had ever bothered to so much as say hello to me from the gate desk if I didn’t walk up to it first, much less provide useful information unbidden. I decided to tempt fate. Sitting overlooking the plane at the gate I tweeted:

Well it only got better. Inside the spacious Airbus were comfortable leather seats, each with its own detachable screen for watching movies and ordering food. The flight staff were funny and nice, the food was actually fresh and quite tasty. You can order it simply from your seat just as if you were in first class, and swipe your credit card through the reader at the bottom of the screen. The in flight Internet service allowed all of us to keep up with the US/ENG soccer game.

To end this rave, I may never fly again to a place Virgin America doesn’t fly to. It’s like I’m a beaten spouse who has suddenly discovered relationships don’t have to be abusive.

The best part? These are also the people WHO WILL BE SENDING HUMANS INTO SPACE NEXT YEAR!

Anyway, this is supposed to be about e3.

People sometimes ask me what the worst part of my job is. I think when they are asking me that they are secretly hoping I’ll kind of look a little tired or sad and confess to them that sure, it’s getting to work on the Xbox and LIVE but that’s it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. That there’s a price pay.

Except it’s 100% every single solitary god damned thing it’s cracked up to me, and more so. I don’t say that to brag. I am incredibly lucky and fortunate and thankful to do what I do. Every single day I come to work and try to perform as if all the video games fans of the world were wanting me to earn it, because any one of them would kill to be in my place.

But there is one part that’s tough. And that part is knowing about all the amazing things that we work on, but not getting to say a single thing for months, sometimes more than a year, at a time.

The Cirque Du Soleil event was a fantastic way to explore the new technology of Kinect. I got to attend the dress rehearsal on Saturday night and the full event Monday night. Our space ponchos made us look more than a little spacey. But the ponchos lit up at key moments during the event, turning the entire audience into a big projection screen the artists controlled with hand gestures from the stage. I can’t believe, to this minute, that we managed to get a troupe as prestigious as Cirque Du Soleil to launch our new technology.

Our keynote went off very well too. There’s been some who felt i wasn’t “big” enough, but I think they fail to understand the audience we were speaking to for much of the keynote was far far larger than the hardcore video game individual. With integration of Kinect experiences to the dash, and partnerships with ESPN, our console is clearly an entertainment device anyone can use now. I know the hardcore gamers and jaded gamer press types don’t want anyone to get peanut butter in their chocolate, but that’s simply not the future of consoles. It has to be more than just great first person shooters (of which we have some great ones in Gears of War 3, Halo: Reach, and the Call of Duty franchise)

The new Xbox 360 is a great evolution of the device. Whisper quiet, sharp looking and sleek. I love it. I know I’m supposed to love it, but I love it beyond that. The Kinect experiences shown at the keynote are real. Not only are they real, people will get to try them on the expo floor. I can’t say this enough: The product team for Xbox really delivered. We now have a controllerless experience that is useful, easy, and fun. The cheers and gasps of surprise and applause from the audience were well earned. And it was a huge load off my mind to finally see this stuff out there where you can all see it, because we’re just getting started.

My breakfast is done and Nintendo just plucked all my nostalgia heart strings with their keynote and I want to go play with a 3DS. I’ll come back with expo floor reports and another writeup soon.

Posted at 11:34 AM by stepto@stepto.com | Category: e32010 | Permalink | Comments

6/13/2010

What’s in a name? Everything and nothing, depending.

I plan to start my e3 blogging soon, with posts ahead and after of our briefing tomorrow. But I wanted to take a moment to give a shout out to the marketing team that chose the final name for what was formerly known as Project Natal.

Much will be made of the unveiling of Project Natal as Kinect this evening. People will either like it or dislike it, proclaim it to be an inspired choice or a mistake that will doom the product to failure.

It’s interesting to me how much is put into a technology’s name. I, like many others, decried Nintendo naming their new console the Wii. And yet look at how many units it’s sold. The trick is in the magic of the experience. I’ve always been a cynic when it comes to product names. So few really motivate me or connect with me. I think it’s mainly because I’m a person who already spends a lot of time using words, it’s hard to come up with brands or collections of these interesting things called letters to pierce through that for me. People who don’t really know anything about me or read this blog will assume that I am somehow required to say the following due to working for Xbox, but I’m not:

I really like the name Kinect.

Evoking both “Kinetic” and “Connection”, it embodies so much of what the technology achieves when you actually use it. Sure, it’s a made up word, and others have used it (try and find any pronounceable combination of six letters using he english alphabet that the Internet hasn’t combined). But I like that it isn’t something more common or mundane. The experience of using Kinect is deserving of its own descriptor.

It’s really hard when you have a cool “code name” that lasts for so long to replace it with its true name, a name that it really deserves to communicate why it’s desirable. Code names are meant to be cool, as code names. True product and technology names are far more difficult. Marketing people get a really bad rap when they face a challenge like that and there’s often a lot of eye rolling and “what were they thinking” that goes on. Coming up with these things is a high wire act with no net.

Critics always shit all over the marketing people who choose names they don’t like, and when they really nail it, rarely give them the honors they deserve.

So congratulations to the marketing folks in our group. Kinect is a perfect name for this technology, you nailed it. And I simply cannot wait for everyone to be able to use it.

Posted at 8:45 PM by stepto@stepto.com | Category: e32010 | Permalink | Comments

6/11/2010

Get Game Smart.

I don’t often use this space to promote specific corporate work stuff and things, but I’m really super proud that we have Getgamesmart.com and that I get to talk about it a lot. For those who don’t know, Getgamesmart.com is a resource center to help parents and children integrate gaming and social networking into a healthy lifestyle.

It’s filled with tools, guides and fun information and overall education about the world of gaming and social networking in partnership with people like the Boys & Girls Clubs of America, the Entertainment Software Association, the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, and the Entertainment Software Rating Board.

If you’re a gamer parent, or about to be one, I’m glad we have a resource like this for you to use. I’m talking about it here today not just because I think it’s awesome, but also because they are running a sweepstakes!

Here are the details:

The Xbox 360 Family Sweepstakes will run for the next two consecutive weeks on Friday, June 11 and Friday, June 18, where families will have the chance to win an Xbox 360 Family Prize Pack which includes an Xbox 360 Elite console, a one-year Xbox LIVE Gold Membership, and 1600 Xbox LIVE points. On each of these giveaway days, you’ll find a new challenge question on the Xbox 360 Family Sweepstakes page around online and video game safety and how your family makes smart media choices in your home. For the chance to win each week, simply enter your answer and e-mail address on the Xbox 360 Family Sweepstakes page. Contestants will also have a chance to win a $100 Best Buy gift card or spa gift certificate by following @GetGameSmart and re-tweeting the challenge question from that week.
The full contest blog post can be found here: http://www.getgamesmart.com/expert/blog/?storyId=30

I sometimes read the occasional Internet pundit or talking head on TV spout off about how companies that make games don’t care about anything but the games. Getgamesmart.com is proof to me that not only do we care about healthy gaming and safety for children online, we want everyone else to care too.

Posted at 11:27 AM by stepto@stepto.com | Category: Online Safety | Permalink | Comments

6/5/2010

The Scalzorc/Clown Wheaton/Kittytrice Auditions: A One Act Play.

First read this.

I decided to write the story as a one act play. In addition to letting me make some funny word puns, I had a great time exploring a world where image files competed for photoshoppery, and couldn’t resist some mockery of political commentary too. Enjoy.

The Scalzorc/Clown Wheaton/Kittytrice Auditions

A One Act Play

by Stephen Toulouse

CHARACTERS

HORN.PSD: An up and coming young Photoshop element.

FACE.PSD: An established element who is widely recognized as being the most talented element of his generation. Unfortunately he is well aware of it.

SWEATER.PSD: A former brilliant element, who’s nearing the end of his career and has been criticized of late for not taking his craft seriously anymore.
CROTCH.PSD: A handsome and chiseled element, about whom not much is known.
LAVA.PSD: Considered by many to be the finest character actor element of his generation, with a long and storied career. His professionalism and talent are only reinforced by his comfort at being typecast.
MOUSE CURSOR: In charge of representing the interests of MR. ZUGALE.
MR. ZUGALE [OFF STAGE]: The mysterious orchestrator of the events.

[CURTAIN]

[Our setting is an open file folder on a computer desktop. Moderately furnished, if a bit drab, it is clearly a waiting room of some type. A small table with refreshments sits off to the side, and there are five chairs spaced throughout. FACE.PSD and SWEATER.PSD are absentmindedly flipping through magazines, LAVA.PSD and CROTCH.PSD are chatting quietly. HORN.PSD drops into the folder on the side opposite the refreshments. He takes in the room, clearly recognizing it’s filled with some well known talent]

HORN.PSD: Oh. My. God. Mr. Sweater.psd! Mr. Face.psd! It is such an honor to even be auditioning for a project with you.

SWEATER.PSD: [grunts] Thanks kid. Liked your work on that Last Unicorn remake poster.

FACE.PSD: [waves dismissively]

HORN.PSD: Thanks, that’s why my agent thought this was a great pickup gig. But I’m excited about the part. I mean, a horned flying kitten? I’ve been really working hard creating the horn and the history and back-story around it.

SWEATER.PSD: [bored] Sure kid.

HORN.PSD: [Crestfallen, but spots the refreshments table]: Snacks!

FACE.PSD: [snorts] It's all CGA. Big squares of yellow and cyan. Fucking cyan. You can always tell a cheap outfit when the refreshments are cyan.

[HORN.PSD shrugs and goes to the table. FACE.PSD notices CROTCH.PSD and walks over to him]

FACE.PSD: [sensing competition] These auditions are crazy aren’t they?

CROTCH.PSD: [nervously] Well truth be told this is my first normal one. What part are you going for?

FACE.PSD: [boldly] The face of clown sweater guy.

CROTCH.PSD: [shocked] Really? Won't they just go with a stock image for him?

FACE.PSD: [relieved that obviously CROTCH.PSD is not competition, but also slightly offended] Oh I'm pretty sure I can make them rethink that choice.

CROTCH.PSD: But it would be his actual face. How will you compete with--

FACE.PSD [Interrupts indignantly]: Do you have any idea who you are talking to? All those wrinkle free faces of older actresses on movie posters, you think that was stock? DO YOU? What have you done compared to that?

CROTCH.PSD: Actually I've done mostly uh...exotic...uh adult sort of...

FACE.PSD: [maliciously amused, loudly] You're in porn?

[HORN.PSD snaps his fingers and turns from the refreshments]

HORN.PSD: [to CROTCH.PSD] I thought you looked familiar!

[HORN.PSD immediately looks chagrined as ALL stop what they are doing and look at him]

SWEATER.PSD: What are you trying out for here?

CROTCH.PSD: Well, the orc crotch actually. It's still where my skills lie, but this will be a chance for me to break into legitimate image work.

FACE.PSD: And you don't think your storied career stimulating 13 year olds will hamper you here?

CROTCH.PSD: well no actually, most of the stuff I did was really weird Japanese stuff. Not a lot of people saw it. Real niche stuff, you know, hentai and beast monsters and schoolgirls.

[ALL look at HORN.PSD again. Not knowing what to do, HORN.PSD stares back blankly]

HORN.PSD: So, Mr. Sweater.psd you’re obviously going for the part of the clown sweater. What do you think it’s motivations are for being so…

[HORN.PSD realizes he’s trying to talk shop with a hero of his and locks up for a second]

HORN.PSD:…Sweatery.

SWEATER.PSD [annoyed]: Kid you want some advice? You’re taking the part too seriously. I think you’re a little green for the horn part. You should get some more experience under your belt. This thing’s going to get a lot of eyes, it’s for an important charity.

[HORN.PSD is shocked that he just got dissed by a hero of his, then angry. ALL besides HORN.PSD and SWEATER.PSD suddenly pretend to be deeply engaged in not being a part of the argument]

HORN.PSD: [angry in a way only a young successful person whose talent has just been questioned can be] Oh I need more experience? I’m not taking it seriously? What about you? I used to look up to you. Now all you do is lens flare to emote anger. It’s your go-to trick. All your characters are the same now!

SWEATER.PSD: [angry in a way that only an older successful person whose talent has just been questioned can be] That's not true!

HORN.PSD: It is true, it’s like you're not even challenged anymore!

SWEATER.PSD: Be quiet!

HORN.PSD: Look at me I'm an angry wall texture!

[HORN.PSD applies lens flare]

SWEATER.PSD: Stop it.

HORN.PSD: Look at me I'm an angry star field!

[HORN.PSD applies lens flare]

SWEATER.PSD: Stop it!

HORN.PSD [pushing it too far] How are you going to lens flare a sweater?

[SWEATER.PSD applies lens flare]

SWEATER.PSD: [enraged, stands up] I SAID STOP IT!

[There is a pause as ALL look at SWEATER.PSD. SWEATER.PSD realizes he’s overreacted. SWEATER.PSD sits back down in his seat.]

SWEATER.PSD: [quietly] The sweater’s not angry kid, the wearer is. I don't know. Maybe your right. Maybe I’m not challenged. You ever feel that way Lava? I mean, all you get cast as is lava.

[HORN.PSD realizes he has shamed a hero of his and looks guilty.]

LAVA.PSD: Not really. A lot of people wouldn't be satisfied having career of just character work like that. But you know I've made a great living, and it's kind of nice being known like that. Anytime anyone needs solid, serviceable lava portrayal, they use me. And let's face it, stories are always going to need at least a little lava. That's the real reason the first two Star Wars prequels were so terrible. They didn't have lava until the third one.

FACE.PSD: [surprised] You were in that one?

LAVA.PSD: [laughs] No way. Stars were lining up to take that part, even though they'd normally never take a part that small. I heard even that water tentacle from The Abyss auditioned. You cant compete with that kind of star power.

CROTCH.PSD: Even though it's for a charity, you guys think we will get anything for this?

LAVA.PSD: Oh I doubt it. I'm just doing it to keep myself visible, out there working.

CROTCH.PSD: Yeah I'm doing it for the visibility too.

FACE.PSD: I don't think you need any more visibility.

CROTCH.PSD: Changing the subject, why is clown sweater guy angry? And what in the heck is he riding? I’m still trying to figure out the plot here.

FACE.PSD: [to CROTCH.PSD] Not too bright are you Dirk Diggler? [to all] It’s clearly a Lynchian style analysis of the Bush administration and the transition to the Obama administration's policies as told through metaphor. The angry clown sweater man is quite obviously the policies of the Bush administration, which were both angry and clowny. The orc being green clearly represents the different skin tone of Obama, ready to fight off the policies. But note how they wish to depict the orc holding the axe? No effective warrior would wield an axe in that manner. This is clearly a critique of Obama’s rhetoric and promises being sharp edged, but ultimately useless and ineffective.

[there is a pause]

ALL: [to FACE.PSD] What?

CROTCH.PSD: Then what’s the beast that clown sweater guy is riding?

LAVA.PSD: Oh that’s a Kittytrice. It’s often mistaken for a Pegapuss because of the horse hindquarters. But I'm not sure what mythology they are pulling from to put a unicorn horn on it. Usually it has a rhino horn topped with a big red clown nose and is wearing cute oversized yellow sunglasses. My guess is they are going for a grittier feel.

HORN.PSD [obviously dismayed]: Oh that's just great. You mean I’m playing something outside of an established continuity with a fan base who's sure to complain? I swear I'm going to kill my agent.

CROTCH.PSD: Tell me about it. Once I was in this Hentai image where the schoolgirl's outfit was the wrong color and the tentacles weren't nearly far enough inside the--"

FACE.PSD: We really don't need to hear any more.

CROTCH.PSD: But I was wondering what the Kittytrice represents?

FACE.PSD: Oh that’s easy, the American public, who were whipped into a frenzy by the Bush policies into being something they’re not. That’s probably why they made the Kittytrice violent instead of cute.

SWEATER.PSD: Wait, so Obama is trying to kill both the Bush administration’s policies *and* the American public? In what reality does that happen?

FACE.PSD: Have you ever watched Fox News?

[OFF STAGE rim shot]

CROTCH.PSD: Then…what’s the spear?

FACE.PSD: [unsure suddenly] Katrina?

LAVA.PSD: [confused] I would have thought the lava/volcano part was Katrina.

SWEATER.PSD: And wouldn’t it make more sense for angry clown sweater guy to be the American public riding the Obama Kittytrice to kill the OrcBush with the spear of…what the hell is the spear anyways?

HORN.PSD: That doesn’t make sense because Obama’s policies have turned out to not be radically different from the worst of Bush’s policies in terms of wiretapping or authorizing the assassination of American citizens for example.

CROTCH.PSD: So the spear is Obama killing the bush policies with policies that aren’t that different from Bush’s?

FACE.PSD: This is far deeper a work than I suspected.

HORN.PSD: I’m not sure you can really apply a political filter to this. Maybe the orc is an orc, the beast is a mere means of transportation, and the angry clown sweater man is an unfortunately dressed person who hates orcs, all put together with the sole intent of generating competing theories as to what it all means?

LAVA.PSD: What does that make the volcano and the lava?

CROTCH.PSD: The elements that, as you mentioned, tip it over into awesome.

[MOUSE CURSOR enters from STAGE RIGHT]

MOUSE CURSOR: All right everyone I have an announcement.

[ALL gather around MOUSE CURSOR]

MOUSE CURSOR: I would like to thank you all so much for your time in showing up today. I regret to inform you that Mr. Zugale has decided to go in a different direction with the project. He will actually be painting using real world oils and canvas as opposed to creating the work in electronically. You should all be very proud of your capabilities, and Mr. Zugale is happy to work with you on other projects in the future. I’m sorry things didn’t turn out like we expected but we love your enthusiasm and thank you again for your time.

[MOUSE CURSOR EXITS, stage lights dim quickly from top to bottom]

HORN.PSD: [uncertainly] Well surely someone will remake the painting in Photoshop?

[CURTAIN]

Posted at 1:41 PM by stepto@stepto.com | Category: Charity | Permalink | Comments

5/25/2010

More than a Twitter…

The world is new in so many ways that it sometimes startles me.

I have a couple of copies of the new title Alan Wake. One for me, and in my mind, one to give away. But how?

I was standing in our kitchen typing up an email when I spied Rochelle sitting on the couch with Remington, Michael Bay’s second Transformers movie playing in the background. I reached for my iPhone to grab a picture at the exact moment Remy yawned an enormous puppy yawn right in Rochelle’s face and I caught it and her reaction.

Seconds later, as soon as I looked at the picture (a feat that in my childhood would have required a Polaroid) I knew I had the answer: photo caption contest. So I asked the internet to caption the photo for my copy of Alan Wake.

Shortly after I had tons of entries in my inbox. I’ll start off with the winner:

Beyond it being a great Lost Planet in-joke, I loved the geekness of it. I liked any entry that made you have to think hard about something. I got a lot of “tonsil” jokes and teeth examination jokes and “I chewed up XYZ” jokes that I really enjoyed them. But I got so many that I had to cull out the duplicates. Here’s the others that I really liked:

"Thermometer goes here, K?"
"Go go gadget tongue!"
"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!"*
"And Jaws comes out of the water like this..."
"Feed me Seymour"
”Remy and Rochto's contest of name that Pokemon soon came to an end when Remy realized he can no longer get his tongue back in his mouth after imitating a Lickitung.”
"Even my Venom impression is better than Topher Grace's!"
"nice doggy, cute lil' pooch, maybe I got a milkbone..."

Each of those listed above got a code for a Gears of War Ticker pet avatar item.

But the best part? I could throw out a funny photo and generate some funny creativity. And people I don’t know and have never meet could get something out of it.

So, congrats Kyle. Great work. Your copy is on it’s way.

*I loved all the entries, thank you all. But the Cthulu/Old Ones quote? That nearly won. Well done.

Posted at 10:09 PM by stepto@stepto.com | Category: misc | Permalink | Comments

5/16/2010

All of us, under its spell…

Early in the morning on May 16th, 1990 I was driving to high school. Thanks to some AP credits my last semester consisted of three study hall classes and senior English, so my day didn’t even start until 10:30 AM. I was feeling pretty good, I’d been accepted into Southwest Texas State University, so college was covered. My last week of school was going to be a breeze, and after some goofing off time I was going to Europe for a month.

I’d gotten up early to run some errands so I was killing time driving around the few hours before class. The radio station I was listening to was Dallas 94.5, The Edge. It was our local alternative station and was about the only place you were going to get to hear New Order or The Cure, etc. I don’t remember what the song was that was playing at that exact moment. But I do remember the music halting. I thought I hit some type of weird signal dead spot but it was static, it was silence. Then the DJ spoke.

“Listeners we are interrupting the morning show to let you know it has just been brought to our attention that Jim Henson has died in a hospital in New York. He was 53 years old. We will have a moment of silence to honor his passing”

My brain couldn’t process the words.

Just the previous week I had seen him on the Arsenio Hall show. He’d brought Rowlf with him and went through an extremely funny routine where Rowlf called Arsenio a “son of a bitch” then patiently explained it was the highest compliment a dog could pay someone. I had grown up with the Muppet Show. The Muppet Movie was a childhood staple and even into my proto-adulthood “Movin’ Right Along” remained one of my favorite tunes.

I drove stunned, and the moment of radio silence lasted roughly five seconds. Then the opening banjo strums of Rainbow Connection played over the radio. I pulled over.

The hippest, edgy alternative station in Dallas played the entirety of that wonderful children’s song while I sat there in my 1985 Mercury Lynx that my father had just given me and struggled mightily with the something in my eyes. The rest of that day I was morose. I couldn’t even explain to anyone why, as 75% of the people in my high school were vacuous airheads who would shrug and say “oh yeah I like sesame street” without realizing just how brilliant Henson’s entire body of work was.

20 years ago our culture lost a powerful voice, one that shaped an entire generation of children and continues to shape them today.

So give Kermit a listen. And thanks Mr. Henson, for all you gave to us.